Fixing My Eyes on Jesus
Written by Pangshua Riley with Fawn Roark
From the Archives: The Journey Summer 2015
My mom has always been my greatest prayer warrior. From the time I was a little girl to this very day, I know she has quietly prayed for me through all that I have been through. I am so thankful for a Godly mother and father. I grew up in a Christian home and remember distinctly giving my heart to Jesus right before my 9th birthday. I remember it clearly because close to that time I was really sick. Over a two week period, I was in and out of the doctor’s office. Then on my 9th birthday, I was hospitalized.
When I first started getting sick, my mom took me to visit our family doctor. I remember something being said about “sugar like my grandmother,” and something to the effect that kids didn’t get diabetes. I remember being so happy that I didn’t have an “old people disease.” I later learned how wrong that statement was when my mom took me in for a second opinion.
On our way to that second doctor, I had very little physical strength so my older brother had to carry me to the car. I can barely remember riding in the wheelchair through the emergency room. So when I was released from the hospital, I tried my best to be strong and independent.
I was in the hospital for about ten days and was admitted in a diabetic coma. While I was there, I learned everything I needed to know about checking my blood sugar and giving myself insulin shots. I even practiced on oranges! However, for the first time, I felt pitied, especially by many of the older visitors. They would ask me questions about how long I would have to take the shots and how they could never do something like that if they were me. I knew they felt sorry for me, but I allowed for their comments to make me feel extremely weak and incapable. I didn’t like the way they made me feel, and because of it, I made up my mind that I was not going to tell anyone about being sick.
Throughout elementary, middle and high school, I put my best foot forward. I always tried to play ball harder than any of the other kids, run faster or fight harder. I didn’t want to appear old, slow or different from my peers. I thought I had to work harder on the outside so I wouldn’t look like someone who was sick. I wouldn’t talk to others about my diabetes. I didn’t want others to know.
When I turned 16, I went through another pretty difficult season. I wanted to quit school and change churches. I wanted something more and something bigger but I didn’t know what my options were. I was pretty serious about dropping out and making plans to get my GED and pursue a nursing career. During this same period, I was volunteering at the hospital. One of the physical therapists I volunteered with heard about my decision to give up on school. She spent several days encouraging me to reconsider. She told me that my high school diploma would be important for my future. When I think about that moment, I see how God placed her and many others in my life. Because of those influential relationships, I went back to school and graduated.
I went off to college and thought things would be different but for a few years, I walked away from God. I wasted so much time on the wrong things, the wrong relationships and placed my affections in the wrong places. Having experienced the impact of mentors, I wanted to do the same for young girls. An opportunity came to me while I was in college to fill in as a Sunday school teacher for high schoolers.
While I was still walking in rebellion and keeping myself distanced from God, I had a great desire to be a teacher to these teenagers. I took that opportunity and it changed my life. One day after class, I sat down with a young girl who was really upset. I began tell her about her worth. “You are worthy and so deeply loved by God. You should never have to settle. I never want you to settle for anything or anyone less than God has for you,” that’s what I said to her. When I heard those words leave my mouth, I knew I was speaking to my own heart. I left that conversation with a war in my heart.
I thought about the countless hours I was giving to all these young people, sharing about how to live a Godly life, reminding them of God’s promises, and yet I was struggling in my own life to live a life pleasing to the Lord. My role as a teacher challenged me to live a life poured out for God. I am thankful for that Sunday school class, because without them, I would probably still be living two lives, one in the world and one in the church.
It was from that reflection and repentance that I truly embraced my identity in Christ as a daughter of the King and someone exceptionally worthy of His love. My gratitude for His love, mercy and grace also grew.
I learned to appreciate life’s challenges. From those college days to the present, I have learned to love life in fullness especially as a single woman. People have said mean and ugly things about me being an older woman, single, and with no children. However, I have learned through the years that I cannot rush God. His timing is perfect even if it seems like His clock is delayed. I think because we live in an “I-have-to-have-it-now” world, people find it odd and unconventional that someone like me could dare to wait on the promises of God instead of settling for something that is less than God’s best for me.
I hope that when people look at my life they can be reminded of God’s promise of a hope and a future. I want them to know that those promises found in His word are for them too. They are written for us to claim and stand on. I have found such an acceptance in Christ and only in Him could I live in such fullness, even though it truly is a process.
On top of diabetes, a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with a condition called interstitial cystitis (IC). It isn’t easy because some days the pain is relentless which causes me to not be able to get a full night of sleep. Some days, I experience horrible physical pain and that in itself can be so frustrating. I had accepted the fact that I had Type 1 Diabetes as a young girl, but now having to deal with this additional diagnosis, it left me upset and perplexed. This challenged my faith but thankfully I can count more good days than bad. Through the last few years, I have had to remind myself to keep a thankful heart. My health could be worse so I constantly remind myself, sometimes daily, to praise God for what I do have. I can’t say that it has always been easy to trust God with these factors but ultimately I know God will not let me down. I know that God will either heal me or give me grace to get through this because His plan for me is good.
The enemy tries so hard to keep our eyes on anything or anyone other than God. He tries to get us to focus our energy on relationships, jobs, things, or other distractions. I find so much comfort in Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” It is a verse I have carried with me for a long time. I call it my life verse because through the stress and hurdles in life, this scripture is a promise from God that I can hold onto.
When you have hope and a future, you want to live strong, looking ahead. God makes me want to live, and to live for Him. No matter how today looks or how bad my situation may seem, I always remind myself that God is in control. He has a plan of hope and of a future for me. God’s word is like fire shut up in my bones and it always comes out of my heart to encourage not only myself, but others, too.
It becomes a beautiful process learning how to walk in Christ when you really allow the word of God to take root in your heart. You begin to walk as a new creation, letting old mindsets go and adopting His promises. I look over the years of my life and think how impossible it would have been to remain positive had I not had the word of God in me.
Recently a verse has been circulating in my mind--it says that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I am thankful for the opportunity to be real and share things I often would not share. It’s not easy to talk about these things because I feel like I risk the chance of others feeling sorry for me again like they did when I was a little kid. But I believe it is by the power of God’s word that I can stand firm and hopeful in my weakness. We can all stand on His promises, and if we allow it, His promises in His word will change each one of us.
Whether people label my challenges as juvenile diabetes, IC, or my singleness, I cannot be moved by those labels. I have to remain confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful. He has a hopeful future for me, and for that reason I cannot place my focus on anything else other than Him. When you fix your focus on Jesus, you have the best vision for a great life.
